truth be told i don't know why i decided to start this blog. i'm not particularly good at writing nor do i feel i have something important to share with the world. On the contrary i feel that any sort of insight to my brain might be of harm to readers as my goal is to be honest. Honesty often frightens people, both in giving and receiving.  but as i am trying to become a person i want to be this is one of the tools that is supposed to help. to write my feelings, my journey and hopefully about my progress. so here's the deal, I'm 28 yo, born and raised in Stockholm.

After many years of travels, odd jobs, a lot of partying and soul consuming heart breaks I am back in my hometown living at my dads while I try to get sober and take care of business. by that i mean that the past two weeks since i've been home i've had to get a phone, order a new card since i lost mine years ago, go to the dentist etc.

when i got back here i finally saw my clothes again, my nice fucking clothes. I remembered who I used to be a bit. cool clothes, fit body cute face fun as fuck. now i've been somehow just blah.. I stopped caring about how I looked, what I ate, how much I drank and how many drugs I did. and it shows on my body and I can feel it in my mind. so i decided (actually half forced.. we might get to it later) that it was time to change.

And here I am, a changed woman. no that's not really how it feels. but i haven't had a drink in two weeks so yay me, although i've heard three weeks is a breaking point for many, i don't really feel like its hard right now. It is corona times so not very many moments where i would be socially awkward anyway now so it's kind of the best time to do this. my goal is to lose weight now, im particularly setting it as a goal to help stay away from partying as well since it's the absolute worst thing to do if you want to get skinny. and i need to get skinny. right now i'm not much, have no job no education no money no boyfriend no house or land. i don't even have a key to anything. The difference between the romantic picture of the gipsy girl and the sad failure here is in the weight. being lost in the world to the world like that is way more okay (and easier) if you look good. Being a recovering alcoholic is way more cute on a skinny girl. wow, people will think, not great to say but it is how i feel. Hopefully I will progress into a woman without these types of thoughts but as of right now, however wicked, I let this be my carrot. and it has worked pretty well so far. I've been eating less and exercising more. you have to realize i haven't moved at all in two years basically so me doing more is long walks and 16 min of me trying to replicate what miss youtube bombshell is doing. but as i am really focusing on losing weight i'm more focused on diet. I've been doing this yoyo thing for years and I know my body responds best to light training and a strict food schedule. workout before breakfast, only eat between 10 and 18 and not more then three times but try to aim for 12-17 and twice. this is nothing i've been very successful with lately as i got my moon two days ago. i don't know if I feel like more food or im just baiming it. definitely feeling more sorry for myself in general haha, with age my hormones are just more and more annoying. I believe that my body is pissed at me for not being pregnant, its like everytime i get my period it's my body taking out its no-baby-frustration on me. with the wrath of a scorned woman. i'll tell you dudes, we have no idea what is going on half the time either and believe me it's way more scary if youre the one getting your mind invaded.

With those words I will say goodbye, wish me luck:)